Bitches

The cast of Girls gets a canine makeover

By Vicki Hogarth
Image Credit: HBO

Image Credit: HBO

 

Even sweet little Shoshanna from HBO’s Girls can be a real bitch if you think about it – a Chihuahua, to be exact. With hundreds of dog breeds out there, it’s no secret that people tend to gravitate toward dogs with their personality type. The Girls’ characters might not have dogs to call their own on the show, but we went ahead and assigned the Brooklyn 20-somethings their four-legged alter egos.

Hannah – Beagle

Funnily enough, Charlie Brown’s canine companion Snoopy, perhaps the most famous beagle of all time, was an aspiring writer like Hannah. Born hunters, beagles are known for being persistent to a fault when it comes to following their instinct down a path like it’s their destiny. When they’re not hypnotically obsessed with something, they’re incredibly social, hilarious and up for a lazy afternoon. Like the beagle, Hannah follows her instinct, namely her belief that she’s “the voice of a generation,” even if it means purposely getting sacked from job at GQ because it’s stifling her creativity. The beagle might be genetically predisposed to neurotically follow scent, but Hannah legitimately has full-fledged OCD. It doesn’t get more beagle than that. How could we ever forget the Q-tip scene in season two? Oh, and that’s another thing the dog and Girl have in common: sensitive ears. Good grief!

Marnie – Border Collie

Intellectually superior, physically tireless and unwaveringly focused, border collies can do almost anything better than other dog breeds… except chill the eff out. That’s why, despite their status as the smartest breed in the world, the renowned working dog isn’t for everybody. Ditto for Marnie. A typical type-A over-achiever when it comes to academics, physical fitness and the arts, Marnie has a resumé most people would need two lifetimes to fill, but it’s her lack respect other people’s modest goals and accomplishments that  make Marnie her own worst enemy. That’s why no one feels sorry for her when she winds up alone and jobless in season three. But just like the border collie, Marnie creates work to avoid sitting still, embarking on a promising singing career while technically unemployed. Hey, we’ve seen border collies herd park squirrels in moments of desperation.

Jessa – English Setter

Generally laidback despite their hunting instincts, English setters are social creatures with a love of adventure, but they tend to reject overbearing rules. It doesn’t help that they have long memories that make negative experiences stick with them, including bad habits. And if they’re left alone for too long, they get destructive. Jessa’s British-ness, long history of drug use, and stints in rehab aren’t the only reasons she and the English setter are so alike. Jessa clearly has the skills and the charm to hold down a steady job and maintain healthy relationships, but she’s often just one reckless choice away from going from bohemian rule-breaker to walking breakdown.

Shoshanna – Chihuahua

Don’t let the Chihuahua’s dainty physique fool you… or the breed’s association with designer tote bags, celebutantes and pink accessories. Despite being the world’s smallest dog, the Chihuahua has a bold personality, and the petite pup’s penchant for yapping has earned it a rep as a dominant dog at the dog park. Shoshonna is the girliest of the Girls, but she’s less innocent and naïve than frilly skirts let on. Although she comes from a sheltered background, much like Chihuahuas who get toted around in Louis Vuitton, she unleashed her inhibitions in season three – dating ferociously, partying hard and finally standing up for herself. In fact, Shosh might be the only Girl with a grip these days. Instead of watching her friends stagnate in their self-centered tendencies, Shoshanna has the balls to deliver harsh words with serious bite. Who’s the big dog on campus now?