A self-proclaimed dog-person contemplates life with a cat
By Leslie Phelan
Photo credit: instagram.com/edsheeran
I’m a self-proclaimed dog person and always have been. I have nothing against cats (except a mild allergy); it’s simply that I’ve always felt having a dog is the more rewarding pet choice, as they are more sociable, love to go on walks, and it is somehow less bizarre to put clothes upon them. This is important, ‘cause few things are as entertaining to me as seeing four-legged fur balls dressed as funny-looking people.
You never find off-leash cat parks or breed-specific gathering circles like the ones you find for dogs. If there are such things, then they’re pretty underground because I’ve never heard of any. I tried to Google ‘cat social circles’ but all I found was the Urban Dictionary definition of ‘catfishing.’ If you don’t know what that is, look it up, it’s creepy.
But I digress. Yes, I’ve always been a dog person. Then again, I’ve always thought of myself as an extrovert, but have lately come to recognize that I’m much more introverted than I once thought. Maybe because my current set of priorities and commitments require more solitude and focus than in the past, or maybe I’m just growing up and as the FOMO I once experienced begins to dissipate, I’m finding it less and less necessary to keep pets whose digestive habits demand that I leave the comfort of my home several times a day to be out among other Earthlings. I am not complaining – I love my dogs and getting fresh air and taking them out is in no way an unpleasant chore, it’s simply less productive to my goals to have to schedule it all in.
For these reasons, I sometimes find myself daydreaming about what life would be like if Brutus and Isabel were to morph into cats and stay with me as my beloved pets but in that more self-sufficient feline form. I would cut cat doors into the window screens of my low-rise apartment so they could come and go as they please as day adventurers and stealthy night hunters. They would be agile and mysterious and litter-box trained. Gone would be the days of their roly-poly physiques that are so irresistibly cute but have all the grace of piglets when trying to climb onto my lap.
No indeed, they would be sharp and nimble then! To celebrate their long, muscular hind legs, I would craft them carpeted landing pads to place strategically around the walls of my unit so they could leap high and wide and make nests and perches above my cupboards and wardrobes. It would be a cat’s world up in here! Honestly, I’m not really sure why one would choose to bring a creature with such neat physical capabilities into their home unless they intended to provide the apparatuses necessary for said creature to exercise their sinuous little body. It is my belief that any animal with the capacity to perch would pretty much prefer to always stay perched, observing and plotting from on high.
But no, in this life, my pugs will stay pugs, nice and safe and close to the floor, and I will love their sweet and clumsy little bodies for all they’re meant to represent: #cuddles.
Follow celebrity cat lover Ed Sheeran on Instagram.