What Women Think of the Size of a Man’s…Dog

Does the pet match the package?

By Leslie Phelan

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Clothing. That is all I really believe separates humans from the animal kingdom. Well, that and self-awareness, but whatever; knowing yourself is overrated. But imagine if we could all run around as naked as our pets! We could sniff strangers’ butts, spy on all their junk, and learn everything we need to know about them, right up front. Making the acquaintance of other people could be hella simple; animals have way more transparency in their interactions than humans ever could. That’s because we keep insisting on cloaking ourselves in these superfluous fabrics, which cover up a very important little (and sometimes large) detail: package size.

You don’t have to tell me that size isn’t everything; I know it isn’t. Everything lies in the sway. Genetics play a big part in the original flesh endowment, but every other factor of a man’s sex (confidence, style, connection) are all learned or developed through experience and experiment with an apt partner–or perhaps with several partners over many years. Any woman worth half her weight in obscenely damp bed sheets is aware of this: that with the right combination of those three factors, generous size is but an added bonus, and dismal size is but a miniature hurdle to overcome. (Tee hee.)

I’ve often heard people use terms like “penis extension” when referring to anything large a guy might brandish, beScreen Shot 2014-11-05 at 4.33.02 PM it his car, his truck, his bike, or his dog. It is apparently a thing to equate a guy’s manhood with the size of the vehicles and pets he surrounds himself with. As in, the bigger the dog, the harder the guy must be trying to compensate for being small in other ways.

Men, I am here to tell you that this is not an equation many women make. Honestly! Any smart and experienced woman knows that there can be no formulaic way of jumping to a universal size conclusion based on any type of external property, be it animal or otherwise. There are simply far too many variables to consider, and to think that way would be a waste of time. I see a man with a small dog and presume it was maybe his girlfriend’s (or ex-girlfriend’s) choice, or that he simply loves teacup Chihuahuas. I see a guy with a big dog like a Bernese and imagine really warm cuddles exchanged on really comfy, hair-covered couches. I see a guy with a big truck and think, Yee-haw, bro’s haulin’ ass and goin’ off-roadin’!

I asked a few girlfriends and some ladies around the park whether they think there could be a direct correlation between package size and dog size. Each in their turn laughed at the notion, because we all know guys of all sizes who have dogs of all sizes and that is all there is to it. Based upon this, I am about to postulate something that might make a few men uncomfortable: I think dudes are the only ones who think in terms of objects acting as compensation. It is my new theory that out in the real world (beyond high school where guys could easily see how they compare with one another at the urinals each day), some guys who are unsure of themselves might be tempted to make unflattering presumptions regarding the junk of their fellow men. Jealousy? Probably. Women do a similar thing when they’re insecure, except we’re more likely to bag on a chick’s intelligence than to run around presuming her Shar-pei is an indicator that she might have a loose vagina.

So, guys of the world who are out there wondering if women are wondering if the size of their dog matches the size of their wedding tackle: we don’t. Walk your Doberman or your Min Pin with pride, and expect no judgment from us. And if you really want to trip out your fellow dudes, maybe consider getting one big dog AND one little dog. No one will have anything to say about your crotch then…except that maybe you’re packin’ double