They’re the cutest addiction out there, man
By Leslie Phelan
Just about anything can become your drug of choice; humans are naturally habit-forming beings who tend to become what they repeatedly do, and come to need what they repeatedly get.
This is not to say that a puppy IS a drug – drugs mess with your body and brain, while everybody knows a puppy could have nothing but healthy effects on you – but there are some pretty bang-on comparisons to be made. One day you think you’re dabbling with a quick taste of puppy love, and the next you find your life hijacked by what’s become an all-consuming obsession. Here are a few things to consider before you take that first hit:
1. They’re expensive
Yeah, boy. Between the first vet visits, food, treats, toys, leashes, harnesses, obedience training, bedding, grooming, and replacement of all shoes and whatever else the typical puppy destroys in their first year, you could’ve done a Breaking Bad episode’s worth of meth.
2. It’ll take over your thoughts
The trip starts out mellow enough – after all, you’re an adult making adult decisions about what you do with your own life. But then, just when you think you’re totally in control, you realize you’re in way over your head and that your drug is all you can think about. It owns you now.
3. It’ll take over your dreams
Things get real when your addiction begins leaking from your waking life into your dream life. While your subconscious is spinning its nightly reverie to the sound of puppy snores, expect to dream about the little monster just as you might dream of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds after tripping on acid all afternoon.
4. It’ll take over your fears
You used to be afraid of nothing, with nothing to lose. Now, aggressive traffic while you’re walking your pup makes you nervous, you’re concerned that every poop they sniff might give them worms, and you won’t even think of walking them through less than stellar neighborhoods at night. You’re a parent now; irrational fears are your prerogative. Be prepared to hallucinate about everything that could go wrong.
5. You’ll bear the scars of it
They might not literally mar you up but once you get a puppy, you will wear evidence of your new addiction all over you in the form of hair on your clothes, slobber on your shoes, and crumb-filled treat baggies floating around your purse. And just like the sketch-out scratch-fest markings that so conspicuously adorn the face, neck and wrists of any worse-for-wear crackie, so too will you brandish an ever-constant nod to your lifestyle.
6. You’ll never be the same
This is a habit you might never kick, so be ready – you will change. If you aren’t prepared to deal with the addictive nature of this high-inducing substance, I recommend backing out now, ‘cause it’s a slippery slope! Also, understand that everyone around you will notice a shift in you, for better or worse. It will become who you are, so you might as well embrace it.
If you absolutely MUST besot yourself with something, though, we recommend going with the puppy over the drug addiction. It’ll get you out of the house more and you’ll make way more non-terrifying friends!