Johnny Depp’s Yorkies Have 23 Hours to Live if They Don’t Leave Australia

“Bugger Off” Boo and Pistol, says Minister of Agriculture Barnaby Joyce

By Si Si Penaloza

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There is a right way and an illegal way to travel with animals. The same rules should apply for the Queen of England’s corgis to the civilian dog lover who can’t bear to leave her Labrador at home. In a swirling breaking story, Australian officials have told actor Johnny Depp that he has until Saturday to get his pet dogs out of Australia — and if they haven’t “buggered off” by then they will be put down.

Australia’s no-nonsense bio-security laws are among the strictest in the world. Depp’s two dogs are on a deportation countdown after the actor violated Australia’s policy by bringing them in on a private flight and without the proper documentation.

The star, who is in Australia filming the latest installment of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise, was told that he had to get his pets, Yorkshire terriers named Pistol and Boo, out of the country, Australia’s Minister of Agriculture, Barnaby Joyce, said in a televised statement.

Joyce said that Depp brought his two pets to “our nation, despite not getting the proper certification and the proper permits required. Basically it looked like he snuck them in.”

Joyce also started a countdown to a deadline for which Depp, and his wife, Amber Heard, who is traveling with him, need to comply – or risk the authorities putting Pistol and Boo to sleep. “Now Mr. Depp needs to take his dogs back to California or we’re going to have to euthanize them. He’s now got about 50 hours (out of a 72-hour notice period).”

Joyce made his statement Thursday morning, meaning the count will expire on Saturday morning. The minister said that the Department needed to crack down on this high-profile case to make a point about Australia’s stringent animal import laws.

“If we start letting movie stars, even if they’ve been ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ twice, to come into our nation then why don’t we just break the laws for everybody. It’s time that Pistol and Boo buggered off back to the United States. After that I don’t expect to be invited to the opening of ‘Pirates of the Caribbean.'”

After the actor allegedly smuggled the pooches on his private jet he had an assistant take them to a dog groomer; it was here that authorities were alerted to their presence.

Clearly the grooming salon does not take client privacy seriously. Happy Dogz in Maudsland, Queensland, posted a grainy photo of Depp with one of the dogs on its Facebook, along with the message: “It’s an honor to be grooming Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s two Yorkshire Terriers.” This brown nosing is nauseating, frankly. A better, safer social media strategy would be to RT an existing photo of Boo and Pistol with the sentiment #BigHairDontCare or #HappyBoo or even a laudable, self-satisfied #ItTakesHappyDogzToLookThisGood if they couldn’t possibly restrain themselves. Hey Happy Dogz, ever heard of playing-it-cool? I mean, this is Johnny Depp’s dog!

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Talks about a major social media fail. If you are blessed enough to take a brush to Boo, keep it to yourself (or consult a PR expert to place the story in the right outlet at the right time with the celebrity’s blessing.) That’s how you secure repeat business folks.

As we can clearly see by the #WaronTerrier, discretion matters. Perhaps if Depp’s PA had gone through the Four Seasons or AMAN Resort for a grooming referral, no one would be the wiser to wee Boo and Pistol. These two hospitality groups are managed to the highest standards and have iron clad protocols where high profile guest privacy is concerned. Such staff breeches as leaked Solange vs Jay Z elevator footage and secret selfies just don’t happen. The AMAN Canal Grande Venice was entrusted with the Clooney nuptials after all.

Depp is a famously dog-loving “Dog Juan” and his affection for animals is well documented on Tumblr and Instagram. This is a far cry from Justin Beiber and his headline making monkey, the one he dubbed the “love of his life” on social media and later paid a $10,000 fine for abandoning in Germany. If that isn’t fickle pet care, we don’t know what is.

Gotta love the The Guardian’s ever coy approach to covering celebrity mishaps. Right on top of this breaking news, they set up a “dog death countdown” page on their site, ticking away the seconds until Boo and Pistol’s demise at the hands of the Australian authorities.

The hashtag “#WarOnTerrier” is being used rampantly across the social media. Funny, as only thing Boo and Pistol could possibly “mule” is artisanal, organic snacks and maybe a chewed up Amber Heard headband or two. A change.org petition has been set up titled “Save Johnny Depp’s dogs“, with more than 2800 signatures and counting.