7 Secrets We Only Tell Our Cats

The terrible things only our cats are privy to

By Jon Nelson


Cat people are a particular breed of humans. We can be quite social, but only if you win us over with niceties and a calm disposition. A lot of the time, we’d rather hang out at home than head out with friends. But we’ll never let you know that. We’re way too proud to let anyone think we’re not the rulers of our social circles. That said, there are some things we just have to get out of our system and voice to the world. Who better to lend an understanding ear than our cats? Here are the seven secrets we’d only tell our fur ball best friends:

1. You spent $50 on pizza delivery

Sure, the delivery special is two large pizzas for $18, but who could resist bacon as an extra topping? Plus roasted tomatoes, eggplant, spinach, artichoke hearts… and a couple other selections from the specialty toppings that run $3 a pop. You’ve got a refined pallet, and if you’re going to all the trouble of opening your laptop and entering your address on the pizza website, you’re going to do it right, right?

2. You ran a ten-hour Netflix marathon87b38a2163cfe1524b2dc250239adbf3

How many times is Netflix going to ask if you’re still watching 90210? The pizza was done on hour one but the digestion is still happening. You and your cat both think Netflix should stop reminding you that another two hours has passed and just let the episodes run into each other without stopping to make you feel like a degenerative person.

3. You think your best friend’s baby is ugly and kind of stupid

You’re pretty sure a rule should exist that if you suffered through the baby shower, you should have a pass on hanging out with the actual baby. Cats are cute and pretty self-dependent as of age one month. This naked, pink, ugly baby your friend pushed out is a suck on everything that was good in life. You’d never tell your friend that you swear at her baby when she leaves the room, but your cat thinks it’s pretty funny.

4. You pee in pools and hot tubs

If it feels good, do it. Plus, people should know that you’re here to relax and keep their distance. If they don’t, let them wonder what that warm section is all about. This might be the one thing kids have right. But lord forbid kids get in the pool when you’re in there.

5. You’re plotting to kill someone

Not really. But the number of times during a day that you run through a scenario of letting loose a barrage of unspeakable violence on the person walking too slow in front of you or that loser who takes too long to exit the elevator is a bit embarrassing to admit to any non-cats. These little dreams get you through the day and you don’t really think there’s anything wrong with that.

6. You’re fake gluten free

You’re not even sure what gluten is but you got on the bandwagon when everyone else did and you’re too proud to get off now. Plus, here and there you enjoy telling people that you can’t eat their cooking because it doesn’t suit your dietary needs just to see the annoyed look on their faces.

7. You empty your cat’s litter box in the neighbors yard

Those dog-loving neighbors deserve it. They got a dog because they love the feeling of picking up poop, right? So let them! They know it’s you doing it, but can they prove it? Your cat says no and you’re pretty sure he’s smarter than your neighbors.