Bearded Collie or Bearded Dragon? It’s Written In The Follicles
By Ava Agata Gorecki
Just like our hairstyles, our facial hair says a lot about our personalities. So, if you’re contemplating getting a non-human bundle of joy, you may want to consider getting a pet that complements your grooming habits. Here are our recommendations. We didn’t make this up, this is science.
Full Bush Lumberjack Beard:
You need something low maintenance and tough, and there’s nothing tougher than a hero in a half-shell. You need a turtle. You are kept too busy with your manly activities of lumberjacking, fishing, and rassling grizzlies to care for something too needy. Plus, the turtle won’t mind your callused hands or missing finger. And you probably won’t notice the turtle’s weird, amphibian smell through your face bush.
For my mustachioed friends who aren’t concerned with looking alarming, you need a hairless cat.
Hairless cats are the mustache twirl of the feline community. Just like you, they look a little bit creepy and you wouldn’t want to be left alone with one for too long, but ultimately they’re harmless (and hopefully so are you). So if you’re not a grandpa, a cop, or Ron Jeremy, get your own Mr. Bigglesworth and stroke his weird, hairless skin proudly.
You want something elite, high maintenance and above all, totally obscure. You need a Falcon. It’ll match your cedar biscuit coffee table and your Richie Tenenbaum style. And since they are incredibly intelligent, you can even train them to use your squatty potty. We would have recommended a proboscis monkey, but you probably never heard of it.
Although you can’t grow a full beard, you managed to get a decent layer of peach fuzz going. But does it matter if your face bush isn’t a jungle when you have the biggest dog in the park? You need a Mastiff. I’m not saying you’re overcompensating, but… You’re actually quite handsome, you really are, but you need a little Hooch to offset your Turner.
You have a meticulously groomed chinstrap that you and all your bros sport. For your louder than life personality, you need a larger than life bird. You need a parrot. Since your frat already has plenty of peacocks, a parrot is a great addition to your flashy flock. You can teach it all your classic phrases, like “Sweet Bro! Jaggerbomb! Jaggerbomb!” Good one, Pauly P. High five!
Seeing as the soul patch went out of style in the 90s, you need a pet that has done the same.You need a snake (or a Tamagotchi). It’ll complement your brooding aesthetic, which likely includes some form of Metallica tribal tattoo, and a flame emblazoned shirt. You can take it on the subway and act as if this is a completely normal thing to do, while the rest of us actively avoid you.
You are the classic family man, so what about a classic family dog? You need a golden retriever. You don’t want to step outside the box and upset the neighbors. Besides, your wife doesn’t like facial hair which means you don’t get to like it either. She did let you choose the dog, but you would have preferred it in a more neutral beige.
Just kidding guys! Your hair presentation is an extension of yourself and we appreciate whatever way you choose to groom (or not.) Beauty is a social construct anyways.