New Year, New Violet
By Rachel Simpson
The science of New Year’s Resolutions says that 88% of resolutions are doomed to fail. Apparently, the part of your brain tasked with holding you to resolutions has all these other daily responsibilities to perform as well, and you basically fry your wires trying to be a better you. Now, we aren’t likely to say Violet is anything but perfect (save with an asterisk or ten). Still, there are some areas for, uh, shall we say, growth; and since she really has no responsibilities outside of being the best – and that takes little to no effort – we’re confident she’ll prove once more to be an exception to a rule. Here’s how she’ll do it.
Resolution #1: Get Up Early
“Early” is a relative term, so when we say that Vi is going to get up early in 2019 we don’t mean something ungodly like 5am, we mean she’s going to do a better job of rolling out of bed when the rest of the house has to get moving. Why? Because the rest of the house doesn’t want to get rolling with the equivalent of a furry, cuddly, hot-water bottle snoring on the pillow. So in the name of productivity, our little Vi is going to at least relocate from our bed to her own in the morning (not that she would understand that distinction in bed ownership).
Resolution #2: Stay Off The Furniture
Those who know will tell you: improving your dog’s behavior requires reminding them that they are dogs – not people. That means, among other things, keeping them off the furniture. I know, crazy right? How are you supposed to cuddle your buddy if she’s not allowed on the couch? You can’t spoon a dog sleeping in a crate. But maybe there’s some merit to the whole “pack leader” philosophy. This year, we’re going to find out. Vi can handle it. Can we?
Resolution #3: Tidy Up
Putting away your toys is really a matter of keeping track of them, both their number and location. When you have lots of toys, well, it’s harder to keep track of all of them. It’s a challenge made harder still by Violet’s fleeting interest and her obsession with the taste of something new. As for the location, when you ravage with such zest, it’s understandable that the odd toy will be found cowering, strangely silent, under a couch, table, or bed. But 2019 is the year Vi keeps her toy box under control. Pinky swear.
Resolution #4: Be More Independent
Hand-in-hand with the furniture challenge is Vi’s resolution to be more independent in 2019. That means learning to appreciate that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time – and that no amount of nudging, squeaking, burrowing or chirping will change that. Besides, trying to sleep sitting upright, with your head on the table, isn’t nearly as comfortable as sprawling on a bed by the radiator. We appreciate that Vi sacrifices her comfort to show us how important we are to her. (That’s what’s going on there, right?) But we appreciate her independence too.
Resolution #5: Keep It Clean
You know how hard it is to keep clean when you’re wearing white? Imagine being all white, and only five-inches off the ground. You know how when you wear white, you’re extra careful, preoccupied even, with keeping your clothes clean? Violet doesn’t. Not at all, actually. She’s basically a perfect storm of coloration and recklessness. And while she doesn’t enjoy being dirty, she does relish the process of getting dirty. In that respect, she’s sort of a paleontologist. In 2019 though, we’re keeping it clean.
Resolution #6: Be Nice To Kids
Look, kids are a bit much. How would you feel if an unpredictable, loud, grab-happy terror three times your size wanted to “play” with you? Exactly. Never mind that these little monsters often travel in packs – and on wheeled-vehicles no less! Ever see Return to Oz? Wheeled weirdos are a real menace. So yeah, while Violet is a big fan of licking sticky little fingers, the rest of the package leaves her unimpressed. That’s probably not going to change. This year she’s taking the high road though. This year, she’s gonna be nice(ish).